I understand there is so much going on in the world right now – from people dying, hospitals at full capacity, an overwhelming amount of layoffs and business closures, people that are not able to social distance because they have to work to not starve, elderly living alone, others being in quarantine with an abusive family member (call 911 or 1-800-799-SAFE if you need help), and more.
I recognize that I am extremely fortunate to be healthy and safe, plus can work from home since our schools are closed. I am privileged to shelter-in-place with my husband and am so lucky that we can make the best of this situation by connecting with family and friends online, cooking new recipes, working out, and experimenting with ways to be creative. I know that I have nothing to complain about.
With that being said, I am simply sharing my story to continue to be open about my fertility journey and to recognize that with all of my gratitude for everything that I have, it is ok to also go through something that sucks. That’s the best word I can come up with. So, here’s my story because this just… sucks.
I was scheduled to get a pregnancy blood test on March 19 and another one to confirm on March 21. On March 15, it was announced that our spring break was being extended due to Covid-19. My inclination was to not get the bloodwork done because the severity of the virus here in Hawaii was finally made clear. I sent a message to my nurse saying that I felt uncomfortable going to a lab (or anywhere) at this time and opted to wait for my period to come or not instead.
My period came. The IUI failed. Again.
When I actually step back from the news and social media posts of Covid-19 and my anxiety, frustration, and anger about this pandemic, I mean actually take a step back and ask myself how I feel about still not being pregnant… I feel sad.
I thought this time, I had mentally prepared myself for the 50/50 chance. I thought I was a little less hopeful, a little less positive, and a little more prepared for bad news because I had gone through one failed IUI already. I wasn’t. I’m equally as sad because even though I went through this before, I am still not pregnant. And although I went through additional testing after the first failed IUI, I still don’t have a solidified reason for why I’m not getting pregnant.
I used humor to mask my sadness when I told a handful of people the news. “Well, I guess I can’t name my baby Rona!,” I said to each person with a chuckle. Since it’s my second time experiencing a fertility treatment, I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable or awkward, or have the burden of having to console me because there really isn’t anything to say.
I started 2020 hopeful that this was going to be the year that I am going to have a baby. It’s almost April and all non-essential/non-emergent patient visits are cancelled for the foreseeable future, so I won’t have any doctor appointments for a long time. The reality is, this is not my year to become a mom.