Guest Post

Hello, husband here – John. I offered to write a guest post, then writer’s block got the best of me. I wasn’t sure how to address a large number of people. Instead, my intended audience for this is just one person, Bianca.

When we were first trying to get pregnant, there was lots of excitement. Each cycle built with anticipation, then came disappointment, dreams for the future dissolved to the reality of the present, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. One day I asked myself, why do I feel like I lost something I never had? What did I lose?

Maybe it was hope.

Those kinds of thoughts come in idle moments: when we’re sitting at a traffic light, while washing the dishes, during sips of coffee.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Here you go again, John, overthinking things. I can imagine your reaction: sidelong glance, head tilted, pursed lips hiding a smile – the thought breaks the sober tone I had when I started writing this.

Because through it all, you remain positive and upbeat. So let’s pivot to something more lighthearted.

Here are ways I’ve found to support you on this fertility journey:

1. Listen
   I’m used to there being a solution to all problems and talking about next steps. Maybe that’s the engineer in me. But I’ve learned that most times all that’s needed is a validation of feelings.
2. Stop complaining
   I have little to be annoyed about. It’s not my body that’s going through these invasive procedures, it’s not me that’s taking fertility drugs.
3. Hugs
   Because hugs are the best.
4. Talk
   About my thoughts, my feelings. You encourage me to talk things through because it’s better to discuss them together.
5. Pickled anything
   Pickled mangoes, pickled daikon, you name it. You sure do love your vinegar. I know your mouth salivated as you read that.

A simple list and one I think most would agree would help with any relationship. You’d think after being together for 12 years, I’d have figured all this out already. /smirk

And if there’s a silver lining here, it’s that it’s made us closer than ever. I didn’t think that was possible. As you’re extremely extroverted, sometimes it feels like you’re always in my space. That’s not a complaint, I love it.

So was it hope I lost? I don’t think so. I think I’ve let go of expectation.

With each cycle, I’ll still happily anticipate, but I’ll also try not to expect anything. James Clear describes these dichotomized points this way: anticipation is when you’re excited about the future but you don’t try to control it, expectation is when you try to predict the future and restrict your happiness to a specific outcome.

I’m still excited about the possibilities of our future, but I won’t feel entitled to them.

I’ve still got hope. We both do.

Me and you, baby.

To whoever’s reading, thank you. I appreciate the small amount of time you take to read Bianca’s thoughts, send her words of encouragement, and share your own stories with her. Our situation is by no means dire, but I think this space, this little corner of the Internet, helps us navigate our journey. 

There’s so much that pulls at our attention in life, time is our most precious commodity, thanks for sharing yours with us.