I love my ‘ohana and friends. With that said, they unintentionally, totally innocently, have said things that hit a nerve in regards to fertility. I’m quoting them here. (My bad for putting y’all on blast, but this is a teachable moment for everyone! And please don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells when we talk; I won’t quote you again. Maybe.)
“You don’t have to try so hard. All it takes is one time.”
At this point, I have lost count of how many times we had sex with the goal of getting pregnant. The number has gotta be over 100. So no, it doesn’t only take one time for everyone.
“So-and-so and so-and-so are pregnant. Did you ask them how they got pregnant?”
They probably got pregnant by having sex. If they took other steps, they haven’t publicly shared them, and I’m not going to ask them if they did.
“Do you think IVF is like playing God?”
We thankfully live in an age of modern medicine. Do you think getting a heart transplant is like playing God? I don’t.
“I’m so sorry to hear that.”
You don’t have to apologize. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. Just to give you some stats, 6.1 million women in America have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant and 1 in 8 couples struggle with fertility. This is common! It’s just not commonly talked about. I don’t need pity, I want support.
“Happy anniversary! I’m glad to see your travels in Europe, but you really need to have a baby. You don’t want to wait long like I did.”
This was in an anniversary card that I was initially so happy to receive. I know she was coming from a good place, but wow. Just, wow.
“What do you think about adoption?”
I think adoption is a wonderful option for those that decide this is what they want to do. I, myself, am not currently considering adoption. Adopting would, of course, allow me to have a baby, but it doesn’t change the fact that I may be unable to get pregnant. More to this, but I don’t want to possibly offend anyone reading this and get quoted in their What Not to Say blog post.
“See. You should have gotten pregnant earlier.”
Yeahhhhhh… Ok…
“You deserve to have a family.”
I completely bawled when I read this text. If you know me, I’m not a big crier. This was the first time I’ve cried and actually, the first time I felt sad about all of this. It never occurred to me that not having a baby could equate to not being a family. As I’m writing this, I don’t think I considered John and me as a family. Not because I don’t think of a couple as a family, but because we both have huge extended families that when I think about our ‘ohana, there are so many more people than just the two of us. And if we don’t have a baby, we still have everyone else that has been with us all along.