I couldn’t sleep well the night before my beta test. I’ve never been an anxious person, but I can honestly say that my anxiety was at an all time high. We went to the lab right before it opened at 6:00am to get my blood drawn.
We planned to not look at the first results because I learned that the first number doesn’t matter. But in the end, we agreed that would be unbearable. We decided we would hope for at least 100 anyway and John would be the first to look at the results. I tried to keep my mind off it by throwing myself into work all morning while teleworking. I was in a virtual meeting, when I noticed that 5 minutes ago, I got an email that the lab results were in! I immediately opened it, pretended to still be engaged in my meeting, and handed my phone to John without taking my eyes off my laptop. From my peripheral vision I saw that he smiled. I stared at him until he said, “275!” I tried not to change my face, covered my mouth, made sure my laptop mic was muted, and was making ecstatic noises! This was way higher than we had prepared ourselves for! After my meeting, we tried to calm down and told ourselves that we needed to wait two more days.
Two days later…
We were still both so nervous. John describes these in-between days as calling a timeout on his feelings and being guarded leading up to this day, so that he could try to manage his expectations. Thank goodness I wasn’t working this day. I got another email that my lab results were in. I handed my phone to John again. I grabbed his camera to record his reaction, he opened the results, paused, and said, “649! More than double!” We kinda already knew from two days ago, but this confirmation was so relieving!
I had this idea of taking this picture as our pandesal in the oven baby announcement.
Instead, we FaceTimed our family and friends to announce the news to them as individually and personally as possible. It was so sweet seeing everyone’s different reactions to our news – from tears and OMGs, to I knew its, to About time! My cousins took shots and my uncle and John cheered with beers. We’ve been spoiled with so much love and kindness throughout this whole process. It felt like a dream to be able to celebrate with everyone.
I requested to telework for the rest of the week following my embryo transfer, however, my fertility doctor said I shouldn’t be working at all and need to be on bedrest to not stress. The wait is already stressful and not being prepared to be out from school added more stress! *facepalm*
Luckily, I didn’t actually have to wait the full 14 days to find out if the embryo transfer was successful. My IVF clinic usually does the beta test (blood pregnancy test to read the hormone Human Chorionic Gonadotropin hCG) on Day 10 and then again on Day 12 to confirm. Day 10 fell on Thanksgiving for me, so I got to test on Day 9 and Day 11 due to the holiday closure!
I decided that I didn’t want to do a pee-on-a-stick home pregnancy test because it’s not as accurate. I called my IVF clinic to ask some questions because I was over-googling and making myself nervous and crazy. I told the nurse that all blood work results get posted in my lab app on my phone and that I didn’t want to look at it. She said, “Then don’t look.” But I knew I wouldn’t be able to not look, so I needed to know what number I’m looking for. I told her that I read online that at least 100 is a ‘good’ number. She said that even if it’s 60, the first number doesn’t matter because what they look for is the rate of change in the hCG level. The number is how many units of hCG per ml is in the blood. They want to at least see the first beta double by the second.
I tried to do my best to chill. Aside from continuing the daily butt shots of progesterone. This was the start of John doing literally everything for me. He does all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry. I stayed busy by taking naps, binging Netflix, and finally finishing my knitting project – a tank top. I tried fertility meditation to calm my nerves and visualize being pregnant. I kept falling asleep while listening to the guided meditation, so I guess it was a success? We also planned to attend a drive-in Hawai’i International Film Festival movie from New Zealand called Baby Done as a fun, safe activity to look forward to. And we had my Grandma’s 86th Zoom Birthday Party. We made a Yanwarriors Got Talent video for her birthday!
I used this diagram to envision what was hopefully happening every day.
Here were my symptoms that I had during the wait: Day 1 – None Day 2 – Discharge Day 3 – Discharge and I felt a “squeeze” in my uterus! Day 4 – Cramping and a big, sticky discharge glob Day 5 – Cramping Day 6 – Cramping, tender boobs Day 7 – Cramping, tender boobs Day 8 – Tender boobs Day 9 – BETA TEST #1 Day 10 – Cramping, tender boobs Day 11 – BETA TEST #2, discharge
I woke up in the wee hours of the morning to make sure that I inserted the endometrin vaginal suppository at exactly 4:30am because the instructions specifically say to do so 5 hours before go time. It was simple enough with an applicator, like putting in a tampon. I tried to go back to sleep, but I was wide awake by then and started to get anxious and excited.
After laying down for 4 more hours, John made us breakfast, I took my daily morning dose of drugs, and we got ready. I was told to be completely fragrance-free because embryos are sensitive to the chemicals in scented products, so I had already taken a shower the night before. I put on all my lucky charms from friends and family. And since John was not allowed to be in the procedure room, (Thanks Covid-19) I wore John’s favorite shirt. Of course, he was wearing it the night before, so he did laundry and cleaned house!
We drove the short 15 minutes to the in virto fertilization institute and said our goodbyes at the patient drop off area. I would have never thought in a million years that I would get pregnant without my husband there!
I got my temperature checked at the entrance, went upstairs, checked in precisely 30 minutes before my appointment, and took my Dr’s “cocktail” of pre-procedure drugs. I also drank my whole bottle of water because I had to have a full bladder so the doctor can clearly see in the uterus.
A nurse brought me down to the procedure room and I laughed because I just loved the old framed poster on the wall.
She did a quick transabdominal ultrasound (hooray not another transvaginal ultrasound for the umpteenth time!) to check if my bladder was full and she freaked out that it wasn’t. Uh oh. She gave me a small water bottle and said, “Tank this.” I chugged it and she said, “Yeah girl!”, but it wasn’t enough, so she gave me another one. She asked me if the drugs were kicking in and I told her I didn’t feel any different yet and she looked worried about that too. I started getting nervous.
Someone from the lab came in to ask me to spell my first and last name and date of birth. I think this was to make sure the embryo was in fact mine. Then my doctor came in, stuck a speculum up my vagina, clamped it open, and the nurse pushed down hard with the ultrasound transducer on my belly for the doctor to check if my bladder was full enough. She said I didn’t look like my bladder was full because I’m skinny. (Thanks IVF diet!) My doctor used a catheter to plan the route to transfer the embryo. I told her that when I did the IUIs, she told me to remember the 3:00 position. She said she was glad I mentioned that because she was planning to do 6:00.
The embryologist came in with the embryo and said, “The embryo looks very pretty!” Thanks, they get it from me. 😂
My doctor guided the embryo into my uter-verse and that was that!
I laid there for a while. I’m not sure how long because the drugs were making me drowsy. Then I went to the bathroom to empty my bladder and John picked me up. He took me straight to my acupuncturist where I don’t remember anything she said and I slept during the whole session.
Then I ate glorious French fries because it’s an IVF embryo transfer tradition! Seriously, look it up.
I also ate pineapple because it has bromelain – an enzyme (especially in the core) that may help the embryo implant into the uterus. I changed into my Grandma’s shirt for more good vibes and completely knocked out after getting knocked up.
Thank you John for making sure I had everything I needed and wanted, took all the drugs at the right time, supporting me from as close as you could be during the embryo transfer, and surprising me with my favorite flower, a protea, from Maui. You’re the best sperm donor ever! 😛 Love you!
We’re celebrating that we’ve made it to the end of IVF. We’re technically pregnant! 🥳 3 weeks today to be exact. Crazy right?! Now all that’s left is the Two Week Wait to give our embaby a chance to attach to my uterine lining, implant, and start developing into a fetus. We’re hopeful that they are here to stay!🤞🏽
We truly appreciate all the calls, FaceTimes, texts, messages, and comments. We’re the luckiest people to have so much love and support. Thank you, thank you and please keep the positivity, sticky vibes, and baby dust coming! ✨
You’re already amazing and have made us so happy and so far, you’re a ball of cells! After being frozen in time for 94 days, tomorrow you’ll be with us again. I’ve been trying my absolute best to make my uterus a home. I hope you’ll be comfy in there!
We wonder who you will be. Will you have fluffy, wavy hair (that we’ve only discovered since quarantine) or silky, straight hair? Will you be introverted with a quirky sense of humor or so outgoing that you can’t help but always talk to your seat neighbors on planes? Please stick around because we can’t wait to meet you to find out.
12 years together. 3 years married. 2 years trying to conceive. 1 year since we starting seeing a fertility doctor. 3 months of this IVF process (length differs for everyone).
Many countdowns within the past year, but the most important countdown is finally here. 5 days until our embryo transfer!
When I’ve told people we’re doing IVF or when people see my posts about it on Instagram, they often say, “I’m so excited for you!” and my response is, “Thank you!” but in my head, I’m thinking, ‘This is not exciting.’ It’s been a long journey and I don’t wish this upon anyone.
It took 22 blood draws, 16 transvaginal ultrasounds, 5 tests, 2 failed IUIs, 1 egg retrieval surgery, over 100 pills, and 52 tummy shots to get here. I’m thankful I didn’t experience any side effects, aside from the night before the egg retrieval. The last 24 shots have made me a little warm and the estrogen pills make me feel kinda off, but nothing to complain about. I’m definitely glad I didn’t get the menopausal symptoms Lupron shots can cause. Emotionally, I’ve been doing ok on most days. I’m just living my quarantine life to the fullest possible. I know there’s more to me and my marriage than trying to have a baby. However, to be honest— because what am I if nothing but honest— there’s been a handful of days when I wasn’t ok. Most recently I was bummed on Halloween. It’s one of my favorite days of the year, but this year, I couldn’t eat anything sweet because of my strict IVF diet, couldn’t go out because of COVID, there was no point in making a costume, and still no baby to dress up. Emotional rollercoasters can be the pits. I digress. Now that we’re so close to hopefully the end of IVF, I’m finally starting to get excited!
I had a pre-transfer appointment today and everything looks good to go. At least a 7mm uterine lining thickness is ideal for an embryo to have the best possible receptive environment to attach itself to and grow into a healthy baby. My uterine lining is at 9mm and it’s trilaminar (three-layered). 9mm! And it’s not even go time yet. She thicc!
I got the green light to start okole shots of progesterone tonight! The most dreaded part of IVF according to me, but I’ll see how it goes and let you know how bad it is. The progesterone is in sesame oil and it needs to be injected with a thick 23 gauge, 1.5” long needle. The oil crystallizes and forms bumps, so it hurts to sit. It’s like getting a flu shot every day, since it’s intramuscular. So I’ve heard. The Google says “Progesterone is the primary hormone of pregnancy and the daily injections are helping your body prepare for a pregnancy.” With that said, I want the okole shots. Let’s get it! Note: I’ll be doing okole shots every night until I’m 3 months pregnant. Time is a weird concept.
My nurse drew circles on my okole for where the shot needs to be injected. John took this picture in case the Sharpie washes off in the ocean. (It did.)
IVF Expectation: Take out the egg, fertilize it with sperm, stick the fertilized egg in the uterus. Guaranteed pregnancy.
IVF Reality:
Fertility acupuncture
Strict diet with supplements and Chinese herbs
Birth control pills
No drinking water, only electrolytes
Ovarian stimulation (injections)
Monitoring appointments with bloodwork and vaginal ultrasounds every other day
Required pre-op COVID-19 test
Egg retrieval surgery
Sperm preparation
Fertilization
Embryo development and monitoring
Cryopreservation (Embryo freezing)
Sonohysterogram and/or Hysteroscopy
Endometrium preparation (injections)
Embryo Transfer
34% chance of getting pregnant
Note: Everyone’s IVF protocol is different. Consult your doctor before trying anything you read online.
Fertility Acupuncture Expectation: Sessions where I would have meditative experiences of tranquility, balance, harmony, ohmmm… and feeling stress-free immediately after.
Fertility Acupuncture Reality: Don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed acupuncture and felt that it was helpful, but I didn’t find it relaxing. My acupuncturist was recommended to me by one of my canoe paddling sisters a couple of years ago, but when I inquired I was deterred by the cost. I was quoted $115 for the first appointment, $68 per session if I go twice per week or $89 if I go once per week. After having the IVF consultation appointment, I was in a waiting period to start the process and decided to revisit the idea of acupuncture. I looked up reviews for this particular acupuncturist and learned that she’s been working closely with my doctor for over 15 years. The first session was very informative. My acupuncturist shared so much about IVF with me and explained how fertility acupuncture can work in collaboration with IVF. She said I was late to the party as I was starting IVF soon and she typically works with patients for many months before they start the process. She wanted to do everything she could for me, so she had, in my opinion of limited acupuncture experience, a more aggressive approach of doing electroacupuncture, sessions twice per week, a recommendation to go on a strict anti-Candida diet right away, and prescribed 4 different Chinese herbs and 3 supplements, including tablets of cow ovaries, that I had to take 3x a day. The cost of electroacupuncture was more than regular acupuncture and the herbs and supplements were expensive. I planned to do acupuncture once a week for about a month, which would have cost $356 total. I instead spent $1,123.50. I believe in acupuncture and am glad that I did it because it was something that I knew if I didn’t do, I would regret not doing it. I thought it was beneficial for my fertility, but it was an overall stressful experience with the cost, strict diet, and having to drink 4 different kinds of herbs in hot water THREE TIMES a day. I’m sorry if this is offensive, but they taste like dirt tea. And I used less water so I could drink them faster, but then they were thick like hot, dirt shakes. 🙁
Ovarian Stimulation Expectation: The injection of medications for 8-14 days, to induce the ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible. Based on my internet research and talking to a couple of people that have gone through it, women learn how to mix their medications from vials into syringes and self-administer the injections into their abdominal area. You get to be your very own chemist and nurse without having to go to school for it! *nervous laugh* I read and heard that the IVF injections make you an extremely bloated, uncomfortable, headachey, nauseous, hormonal mess.
Ovarian Stimulation Reality: The first shot I took was Follistim. This conveniently came prefilled and premixed in a little vial that I just needed to drop into a pen-like contraption, turn the dial for the dosage, stick the thin, short needle into my belly, and push the injectant in. There was a very slight pinch when the needle goes in, but not bad at all. The second shot I took was of Menopur and I read that the medicine burns. One of the nurses described it to me as the same feeling as when you have a cut on your foot and you walk into the ocean. To mix the injectant, I had to use a syringe with a long needle to draw out sodium chloride from a vial and put it into another vial with the Menopur powder, mix it up, and draw it back into the syringe. Then just like on TV, push the plunger up a little and flick it so it won’t have air bubbles. I freaked out because it had a huge air bubble and FaceTimed my nurse practitioner friend to ask for help. I was sweating and nervous and when I injected myself dramatically imagined the stinging to be worse than it was. After that first night of shots, stims was totally fine.
I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t have any side effects for the first 8 days! I had a little bit of tenderness at the injection sites on my belly, but I iced them right after and only got two small bruises. On the 9th day, my ovaries were super sensitive and my tummy started to get bloated. I had to sit down very slowly because when I sat down at the normal speed, I would feel like I was going to pop my ovaries. (This was also the day that I stopped pooping. This is an important detail for later.) On the 10th and 11th days, I did my two normal injections and added a third, Cetrotide, to prevent ovulation. This additional shot was so worth it because it made my ovaries less sensitive and I was able to sit down at a regular speed. On the 12th day, my follicles were ready! I did the normals shots. Then finally got to do the hCG injection or “trigger shot” to force ovulation. It was anxiety-provoking because one of the nurses told me that it had to be injected at exactly 8:00pm or else I’d have no eggs! Once I did this shot, I was extremely dizzy and couldn’t stand without holding on to the furniture or walls. I was going into work every day but had to finally call in sick the next day. Luckily, I had an acupuncture session scheduled. I was treated for vertigo and my acupuncturist put ear seeds in my ear on points for dizziness, my liver, and stress. I could press on these seeds whenever I needed to.
Egg Retrieval Surgery Expectation: While the patient is under anesthesia, the doctor will use the ultrasound to identify the ovaries that will have expanded from almond-size to grape-fruit-size by this time. Then she will gently guide a needle attached to a catheter through the vaginal wall. And one by one, the eggs will be drawn out using light suction. They’ll be collected in test tubes and handed off to the embryologist. After the egg retrieval process, the doctor will examine the vaginal wall and ovaries and apply pressure if there’s any bleeding. The patient wakes up, feeling high as a kite, goes home, rests, and recovers.
Egg Retrieval Surgery Reality: My surgery was scheduled for 7:30am and I had to be checked in at 6:00am. I woke up at 5:00am still crazy dizzy and I couldn’t eat or drink anything to try to feel better. All I could do was desperately press on my ear seed in hopes of making the room stop spinning. I struggled walking to the car, through the drive, and then the walk to the admissions room. I got to the SurgiCenter, changed into the gown, cap, and Cozy Warrior socks from a sweet friend, and laid down to wait for my surgery. That was when I simultaneously felt less dizzy and realized I was in pain from not pooping. I hadn’t pooped for 3 days! I was so worried about what felt like a hard rock in my butt and not being able to say goodbye to it before my surgery. The nurses, anesthesiologists, and whoever else that checked on me heard about it. And yet, no one gave me anything that could help. All I got was an IV.
I said see you later to John, my bed was wheeled into the operating room, someone took off my cheetah print mask and put on the anesthesia mask. I told all 9 people in the OR, “This feels like I’m in a movie!” and that’s the last thing I remember. I woke up in the recovery room wearing huge disposable underwear and a pad that was thicker than the pillow under my head. The nurse watching me checked my pad (that was weird) and gave me saltine crackers and a cup of water. I immediately told him, “I’m doing IVF, so I can’t have carbs or water!” He called my doctor and she said I could have only one cracker and a little water, but that’s it. After a while, my doctor came to check on me and I told her I’m ok but I haven’t pooped for 3 days. She recommended Milk of Magnesia and told me that 36 eggs were retrieved! She also said my right ovary had so many eggs that she had to do stitches because of the bleeding. I was wheeled back to the SurgiCenter where John was waiting for me. He had gone home, brought his semen sample to the lab, drank Starbucks upstairs, and also heard the good news that we got so many eggs. He went to find something for me to eat since I couldn’t have any more crackers. He came back with a veggie burger patty and the laxative. What an angel. I peed 2 hours later and they let us go home. I slept on and off throughout the day, was on a Zoom call at night with my friends when the laxative kicked in and I pooped 7x in two hours, plus fell asleep mid-conversation.
Because I have PCOS-like ovaries and had so many eggs, my doctor was worried I would get Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. I had to eat a lot of proteins, drink tons of electrolytes, and take antibiotics and a medication to lower my prolactin hormone level. One of the nurses told me to buy a scale and weigh myself every day. It’s typical to get more bloated after the egg retrieval, but it’s concerning if you gain 1 pound per day so I had to track my weight. I actually lost 1 pound per day for 5 days. Day 2 post-egg retrieval, I felt 50% better. My coworker dropped off dinner for me and John! I was so hungry and so touched. Day 3, I felt 75% better and went to work. Day 4, I felt 99% better and realized I didn’t poop for a long time again, for 4 days this time. That was the last time I took a laxative and I’ve been taking a fiber supplement three times a day since. If you’re wondering why I keep talking about pooping it’s because no one else was talking about it! Everything went smoothly. Except my bowel movements! And I only found out this was normal after it happened to me and I googled it. Anyway…
Our final count: 36 eggs retrieved 21 eggs mature 15 eggs fertilized 6 embryos made it to blastocysts stage!
They are frozen and awaiting the last 3 steps that we have to do to complete this IVF cycle. We are over the moon that we now have 6 embabies that are literally chillin’. They’ll be in the Ice Age for another few months.
The idea of paying thousands of dollars worth of drugs, administering my own shots, having my hormones totally out of whack, bloating and weight gain, doctors appointments for bloodwork and vaginal ultrasounds every other day, pain and discomfort from the meds and forcing my body to create multiple eggs, surgery to retrieve the eggs, the emotional rollercoaster that will come with the process, and mainly the fact that I can do all of that and having a baby, in the end, is NOT GUARANTEED did not make me want to sign up.
I have a sense of inquietude from the past year and a half of trying to get pregnant including going through a lot of testing and two failed IUIs. I felt this was enough to emotionally experience and for my body to endure.
All that to say, I’m doing IVF.
During the past three months of quarantine, we have been trying “naturally”. I called my doctor’s office to ask for refills of Letrozole and progesterone to take while we’re trying. We used an ovulation kit to monitor my fertile window and to know when I needed to take the progesterone. And my friend’s sister recently got pregnant using preseed, so we tried using that again because why the hell not. (This paragraph is beside the point, I’m just putting it here to document it for my memories.)
I had a telehealth appointment with my fertility doctor in April. She recommended that I do a third IUI with injectables. Since the chances of getting pregnant through an IUI is ~17% and the chances with IVF is ~34%, I requested that I move forward and do IVF. She understood and had me register for an IVF seminar. The seminar was canceled thanks to Covid-19 and my $500 fee was waived.
Three months and a lot of patience later, we had our in-person IVF consultation appointment today.
My doctor went over the IVF process and all the information that would have been covered at the seminar. Thinking that a consultation meant just talking, I was not prepared for the vaginal ultrasound and bloodwork. Despite the many times, I told myself I should expect both of these to happen at every appointment. From the vaginal ultrasound, my doctor saw that I had 18 follicles, which is great and I’m only a little drugged up right now. That’s how I describe being on fertility drugs that I self-prescribed. She also saw my one big, beautiful ovary that presented herself as still being big and beautiful. My other smaller ovary was… still there haha. My doctor saw a polyp, which she hasn’t seen in any of my other vaginal ultrasounds, but apparently, these are common and come and go. If it doesn’t go away, I will have to get it removed.
We both had to do HIV tests which are required before doing IVF and I was ecstatic that John had to do bloodwork! Finally, he got to get poked too! My HIV test results came back negative if anyone was wondering. John didn’t get results yet, but it’s safe to assume he’s negative too. John had to do another semen analysis since his first one was back in October. This time he didn’t have to go to little room with the leather couch. He got to take a cup home and return it to the lab.
We talked with the financial person and my IVF cycle is going to cost approximately $21,000. She is hoping to get my insurance to authorize paying $18,000. I’m trying not to be annoyed that we still have to pay $3,000 out of pocket. I’m fortunate to live in a state where insurance covers the majority of one round of IVF, but when I compare $3,000 (plus the expenses that we paid prior to this) to people that get pregnant for $0, it’s annoying.
We also met with my new nurse. And guess what?! You know how I said, “I guess I’m not going to name my baby Rona” when I found out my second IUI was unsuccessful back in March, fresh Coronavirus time? My IVF nurse’s name is RHONA. Now if that’s not a sign, I don’t know what is. She was super nice and very informative. She is going to do all of my scheduling. She understands that because I work at a school, ideally I would like to do IVF during the summer break. She said many people’s appointments had to get rescheduled because of The Rona, but she is going to do her best to get me started at the end of July. I will continue to practice patience and eat as much poke as possible until then.
Hello, husband here – John. I offered to write a guest post, then writer’s block got the best of me. I wasn’t sure how to address a large number of people. Instead, my intended audience for this is just one person, Bianca.
When we were first trying to get pregnant, there was lots of excitement. Each cycle built with anticipation, then came disappointment, dreams for the future dissolved to the reality of the present, highs and lows, ebbs and flows. One day I asked myself, why do I feel like I lost something I never had? What did I lose?
Maybe it was hope.
Those kinds of thoughts come in idle moments: when we’re sitting at a traffic light, while washing the dishes, during sips of coffee.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. Here you go again, John, overthinking things. I can imagine your reaction: sidelong glance, head tilted, pursed lips hiding a smile – the thought breaks the sober tone I had when I started writing this.
Because through it all, you remain positive and upbeat. So let’s pivot to something more lighthearted.
Here are ways I’ve found to support you on this fertility journey:
Listen I’m used to there being a solution to all problems and talking about next steps. Maybe that’s the engineer in me. But I’ve learned that most times all that’s needed is a validation of feelings.
Stop complaining I have little to be annoyed about. It’s not my body that’s going through these invasive procedures, it’s not me that’s taking fertility drugs.
Hugs Because hugs are the best.
Talk About my thoughts, my feelings. You encourage me to talk things through because it’s better to discuss them together.
Pickled anything Pickled mangoes, pickled daikon, you name it. You sure do love your vinegar. I know your mouth salivated as you read that.
A simple list and one I think most would agree would help with any relationship. You’d think after being together for 12 years, I’d have figured all this out already. /smirk
And if
there’s a silver lining here, it’s that it’s made us closer than ever. I didn’t
think that was possible. As you’re extremely extroverted, sometimes it feels
like you’re always in my space. That’s not a complaint, I love it.
So was
it hope I lost? I don’t think so. I think I’ve let go of expectation.
With
each cycle, I’ll still happily anticipate, but I’ll also try not to expect
anything. James Clear describes these dichotomized points this way:
anticipation is when you’re excited about the future but you don’t try to
control it, expectation is when you try to predict the future and restrict your
happiness to a specific outcome.
I’m still excited about the possibilities of our future, but I won’t feel entitled to them.
I’ve
still got hope. We both do.
Me and
you, baby.
To whoever’s reading, thank you. I appreciate the
small amount of time you take to read Bianca’s thoughts, send her words of
encouragement, and share your own stories with her. Our situation is by no
means dire, but I think this space, this little corner of the Internet, helps
us navigate our journey.
There’s so much that pulls at our attention in life,
time is our most precious commodity, thanks for sharing yours with us.
I understand there is so much going on in the world right now – from people dying, hospitals at full capacity, an overwhelming amount of layoffs and business closures, people that are not able to social distance because they have to work to not starve, elderly living alone, others being in quarantine with an abusive family member (call 911 or 1-800-799-SAFE if you need help), and more.
I recognize that I am extremely fortunate to be healthy and safe, plus can work from home since our schools are closed. I am privileged to shelter-in-place with my husband and am so lucky that we can make the best of this situation by connecting with family and friends online, cooking new recipes, working out, and experimenting with ways to be creative. I know that I have nothing to complain about.
With that being said, I am simply sharing my story to continue to be open about my fertility journey and to recognize that with all of my gratitude for everything that I have, it is ok to also go through something that sucks. That’s the best word I can come up with. So, here’s my story because this just… sucks.
I was scheduled to get a pregnancy blood test on March 19 and another one to confirm on March 21. On March 15, it was announced that our spring break was being extended due to Covid-19. My inclination was to not get the bloodwork done because the severity of the virus here in Hawaii was finally made clear. I sent a message to my nurse saying that I felt uncomfortable going to a lab (or anywhere) at this time and opted to wait for my period to come or not instead.
My period came. The IUI failed. Again.
When I actually step back from the news and social media posts of Covid-19 and my anxiety, frustration, and anger about this pandemic, I mean actually take a step back and ask myself how I feel about still not being pregnant… I feel sad.
I thought this time, I had mentally prepared myself for the 50/50 chance. I thought I was a little less hopeful, a little less positive, and a little more prepared for bad news because I had gone through one failed IUI already. I wasn’t. I’m equally as sad because even though I went through this before, I am still not pregnant. And although I went through additional testing after the first failed IUI, I still don’t have a solidified reason for why I’m not getting pregnant.
I used humor to mask my sadness when I told a handful of people the news. “Well, I guess I can’t name my baby Rona!,” I said to each person with a chuckle. Since it’s my second time experiencing a fertility treatment, I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable or awkward, or have the burden of having to console me because there really isn’t anything to say.
I started 2020 hopeful that this was going to be the year that I am going to have a baby. It’s almost April and all non-essential/non-emergent patient visits are cancelled for the foreseeable future, so I won’t have any doctor appointments for a long time. The reality is, this is not my year to become a mom.
When my first IUI failed, I accepted the untimely death of my enthusiasm towards fertility treatments. I’ve had many people praise me for being brave and that they appreciate my positivity, especially other women that are trying to have a baby. I was afraid to be honest about my negative feelings, but what am I, if not honest?
I allowed myself to feel all those negative emotions and decided that I’m not ready to give up. I am here now with magically renewed hope that I will hold on to until this two week wait is up.
What is this ‘two week wait’ you may ask? If you did ask, keep reading… After you have sex around the time when you ovulate or in my current case, have the IUI procedure done after taking fertility drugs to stimulate ovulation and go through bloodwork and an ultrasound to tell your doctor when you are exactly ovulating, it takes TWO WHOLE WEEKS for the conception process to occur and a hormone to secrete for a pregnancy test to read.
During the two weeks, the following happens: 1. One ovary ovulates and releases an egg that is “grabbed” by a fallopian tube 2. Sperm travels through the fallopian tube to the upper part of it to meet the egg 3. The egg is fertilized by one lucky sperm 4. The fertilized egg hangs out in that upper part of the fallopian tube for 3 days 5. The fertilized egg spends 3 days traveling down the fallopian tube while growing and dividing until it becomes a 64-cell blastocyst 6. The blastocyst matures into an embryo and implants into the uterine lining 7. The blastocyst/embryo releases the hCG hormone (This hormone turns a pregnancy test positive)
I hope that’s what’s been happening inside of me! On the outside, I’m self-isolated and social distancing because of the Coronavirus. Really not an ideal time to be going through this two week wait in solitary confinement. (John’s at work.) I’m also a little nervous about going to the hospital for my pregnancy blood test.
Since I already wrote a lengthy post on my first IUI, I didn’t want to bore you with a story about my second one. Just a few notes: I hope the fallopian tube test refreshed my tubes, I remembered the 2:00 position that my doctor used for that test, so she was able to put the sperm even higher this time, and I started taking progesterone pills after the IUI to help “improve the receptivity of the uterine lining and enhance the chances of implantation of a fertilized egg” which I wasn’t prescribed after my first IUI. I’m holding on to hope! It’s T-minus 3 days until we find out if I’m pregnant!
