If My Punani Could Talk

I attended a Village Prenatal two weeks before my due date and a Hāpai Circle less than a week before my due date in hopes to ground myself in the final moments of my pregnancy, connect with fellow mamas and soon-to-be moms, and take the opportunity to be a part of a special community while I still could.

In both of these spaces, we shared our dream births. I loved hearing other women’s thoughts on their ideal births, but it was challenging for me to imagine my own. I easily pinpointed what I did not want that I had experienced in my first birth—the cascade of induction methods. However, when thinking of birthing again, I could only come up with the basics—going into spontaneous labor, trying to go natural, and crossing my fingers that since this would be my second time, the baby would just fall out of my vagina.

I decided early on that I would continue working until I gave birth. I did this the first time and I was not worried about going into labor at school because there’s so many people around and the hospital is only 20 minutes away. I also tend to overthink, so I honestly felt it would’ve been worse for me to stay at home waiting to go into labor.

At my 37 week appointment, the nurse casually mentioned me getting induced. I flat out told her, “No. I’m not doing that.” She saw it on my chart and said the doctors would be discussing it with me at my following appointment. I had a slight freak out and John and I got everything ready that week.

At my 38 week appointment, the doctor said everything looked good, including baby’s ultrasound with the maternal fetal medicine doctor, and we were just waiting. I asked if I had to get induced and she said, as of right now no, but we’ll see you again next week and see. I was so relieved, but frustrated about that nurse making me panic. The silver lining was that we got everything prepared ahead of time after all.

My next appointment was at 39 weeks + 5 days. I went to work and decided to leave a little earlier to get lunch before my appointment with Zaccai, Lola, and Lolo. While waiting for them, I went in a boutique. The shop girl asked when I’m due and I said in 2 days, but maybe today is the day and I started doing squats in her shop. Little did I know…

After we ate lunch, I went to my appointment. As I was collecting my urine sample, I had my “bloody show.” The doctor did my first cervical check during this pregnancy and said I was in early labor! I was dilated 2.5cm and was 70% effaced. I had a non-stress test and baby’s heart rate decelerated two times. The two doctors discussed it and said I needed to go to the hospital within the hour.

I called John to meet me at home, then I called my doula. My doula asked if they had me change positions during the NST to see if baby’s heart rate would go back up, but they didn’t. Then she said I could decide what I wanted to do because ultimately it’s my birth. I can decide how I want to spend the end my pregnancy, I can think about Zaccai and if I want to eat dinner with him and do our night time routine, or labor at home and go to the hospital while he’s asleep. I didn’t realize I had options, but she pointed out that if I needed to be at the hospital immediately, they would have sent me straight there and not let me go home. John and I talked and we chose to spend some time with Zaccai, take showers, pick up dinner, then go to the hospital.

When we were checking in 3 hours later, my doctor on-call called me asking if I was still going in to labor and delivery. 😅 They had me check-in without filling out paperwork because their protocol is to treat people in my case like an emergency. It was getting real!

Once we got to our L&D room, the nurse told me to undress, put on a hospital gown, and we’d start the induction. It felt so sudden! My doula planned to come to the hospital whenever I wanted her to, so I called her ASAP. She reminded me that I could say no to anything because it’s my body and my birth.

The nurse checked my blood sugar because I had gestational diabetes and thought it would be high since I had a Philly cheesesteak right before. It was great at 98!

At 5:45pm, I was put on pitocin. The nurse did a cervical check. I was at 3cm dilated, soft, 70% effaced, and -2 station. I asked the nurse if I would be a good candidate for a foley bulb and she said no since it only gets you to 5cm dilated and I was almost there. At 6:05, she upped the pitocin to 4 and my doula arrived at 6:10. Baby had some heart rate decelerations. I drank tea while John filled out the hospital forms. I got another nurse at their shift change and at 7:10, she put the pitocin up to 6. I wasn’t feeling anything.

At 7:40, my doctor did a vaginal exam and I was still at 3cm dilated. My doctor said she could break my water, but I asked to wait and see if the pitocin would make my water break. At 7:50, I changed positions to lie on my side with the peanut ball between my legs and the pitocin was put up to 8. At 8:15, it was upped to 10 and my doula had me take arnica.

At 8:45, pitocin was put up to 12 and I started to feel a little pain in my legs. I began to feel nervous since my labor pains with Zaccai were only in my outer thighs. My doula said pregnancies and births are never the same, so she would be surprised if I had the same leg labor pains. At 8:53, the pitocin was put up to 12.

I had a glucose check at 9:25 and my blood sugar was at 90. I switched sides, the nurse upped the pitocin to 14, and I for sure was having leg cramping, but wasn’t sure if I could feel any contractions. At 9:50, I switched sides again and my doula massaged my legs with arnica oil. The nurse upped the pitocin to 16 at 10:05. They were going to check on me at 11:30.

My doula talked to us about whether I wanted to get some movement in like bounce on the yoga ball or get some rest because I may be pushing soon. John and I decided we should all try to get some sleep. My doula went down to take a nap in her car and let us rest. I really started feeling a burning sensation in both of my legs and tried to call my doula to talk about getting the epidural. When we discussed my birth plan, all I had in mind was that if I were to go into spontaneous labor, I wanted to try to go unmedicated, but if I got induced, I wanted the epidural. She said I can say anything I want during labor, but she’ll only know that I actually want to get the epidural if we use our code word “blueberry.” At this point, I knew the leg cramping was going to be my labor pains and would get increasingly worse. I also knew that none of the nurses or my doctor on Oahu at Kapiolani had ever seen anyone have leg labor pains and everything they came up with to help me manage the pain didn’t work. When my doula didn’t answer her phone, I texted her the blueberry emoji at 11:18. She called me back and said that she wanted me to be confident in whatever decision I made and she would support me either way. I told my nurse I wanted the epidural.

The anesthesiologist had to put in the epidural twice and it was terrible. I’m glad John got to be there this time since he had to leave the room at Kapiolani. After the epidural was put in at the right placement it was 1:00am. The epidural helped relieve the leg cramps and I was finally able to rest a little.

My doctor did a vaginal exam and I was 8cm dilated at 2:03. She asked if she could break my water now. I didn’t feel any gushing or anything when my water broke. Right after, she said I’d have to start pushing. I called my doula and told her “The baby is coming!”

My doctor was very direct in instructing me to “PUSH!” Every time I pushed, she put her pointer and middle fingers in my vagina and pushed down in a V. Even with the epidural, I was able to feel uncomfortable pressure from her fingers. After several pushes while lying on my back with my doctor and nurse intensely saying to “PUSH!”, I asked when I could change positions because it was easier for me during my first birth to push while lying on my side. My doctor said to keep pushing while on my back because I wasn’t even pushing for that long yet.

My doula came back in time for when I was pushing and at this point reminded me that the baby needed to travel down the birth canal, go through my pelvic bone, and turn their head. She also said that my first push in the series of three was the strongest, so to hold on to that. That explanation and encouragement gave me determination for my next push and my baby was born at 2:35am! John announced, “It’s a boy!” with a laugh because we all thought he was going to be a girl.

I pushed 6-9 times for 18 minutes! John cut the umbilical cord. I held my baby as my doctor was tugging on the umbilical cord still connected to my placenta. She said the placenta was stuck at the top of my uterus and stuck her arm in my vagina all the way up to her elbow to manually scrape the placenta from my uterus to get it out. She pushed down on my belly and lots of blood and clots came out.

The nurse asked if I wanted John to do skin-to-skin instead while this was happening, but I didn’t want to let go of my baby. I got stitches for a minor internal tear.

He was born with cheesy yellow vernix, so the doctor recommended to not delay bathing since some of it was gunky and in his eye. They cleaned him off and did all the tests, vitamin K, and Hep B shot.

Everything was normal and the three of us were transferred to our Mother & Baby room.

It was so nice to have Zaccai and Apo be the first to meet Azariah in the hospital. Zaccai sang his little brother the Happy Birthday song. <3

Lolo, Lola, Mama Letty, Gma, Gpa, Ikit, Uncle Chris, and Auntie Kiana came to meet him too. And brought me flowers, pancakes, mango bread, sushi, and coconut water!

We are a happy ‘ohana of four!

And I’m forever grateful for my doula.

We often hear from parents of multiple children, that what they did for their firstborn, they don’t always do for their second. In my case, sharing updates about my pregnancy on social media, starting a baby book (I didn’t actually finish Zaccai’s), sewing a quilt, and blogging. This is me at least catching up on blogging about my second pregnancy in its entirety, all in one post.

First Trimester:
Bed rest wasn’t as calm and relaxing as when I was on bed rest after my first embryo transfer since I was home with Zaccai, who was as energetic as ever. It was sweet for him to watch my injections because he would instinctively hold my hand, check if I was ok, and inspect the injection site.

He went with me to both of my hCG blood draws too, which gave me hope that this embaby would be his sibling.

Once it was confirmed that my embryo transfer was successful and I was indeed pregnant, I was able to let go of my worries and trust in my body that already nurtured and carried a baby.

I had exceptional morning sickness (read: all-day sickness), fatigue, and constipation. I was often nauseous at work, especially at recess duty when I was out at the playground in the Kihei heat, unable to deal with the tattling and just focused on not gagging. The all-day sickness was a lot more intense than my first pregnancy. One of the nurses said my hCG level was high, which made it no surprise that I was so nauseous. She had to check that they only transferred one embryo. My nausea was so bad that I couldn’t stand my shampoo. I got a new one that was unscented, but it would still make me feel like throwing up. When I’d get home from work, I would immediately need to sleep.

I started showing a lot earlier. At 12 weeks, my bump was the same size as when I was 20 weeks with Zaccai. It took a toll on my self-esteem since I have body image issues. After my first appointment at my OB’s office, I was triggered by how much weight I had gained and requested the nurses and doctors do not tell me my weight at future appointments.

All of the injections and medication side effects were worse than my first time doing IVF. The abdomen injections made me bloated and gave me headaches. The steroid and estrogen pills made me extra nauseous. The intramuscular progesterone injections were painful and seemed to bleed more often. I had hard marble-like spots in my butt cheeks where the medicine was collecting. At times, when John would administer an injection, he would push down the syringe plunger, and the medicine wouldn’t go in, so he’d have to pull out the needle and do the injection all over again. I couldn’t wait to be done with the progesterone shots, but my fertility clinic gave me medication for an additional 40 shots because “it wouldn’t hurt.” I understand more progesterone is beneficial for the fetus and pregnancy, however it actually physically hurt. I decided I was done and did not do the additional shots.

Second Trimester:
When I was pregnant with Zaccai, I remember the second trimester being the golden period of pregnancy when I felt normal and could be active. This pregnancy, the second trimester continued to be rough as the nausea and fatigue lasted until I was 17 weeks. I also got an infection and had to take antibiotics. Once the nausea let up, I was able to function better at work and enjoy doing fun things with Zaccai, like go on hikes and do a 5k!

My bump kept growing and I continued to be self-conscious about gaining weight, so I took maternity photos a lot earlier than my first pregnancy before I got even bigger.

I’m proud of myself for doing a nude maternity photoshoot. I look at the photos now and am in awe of how much my body went through to grow and be a home to two babies.

Third Trimester:
My brother-in-law started planning a virtual baby shower for us since John’s side of the family is in California. But we decided to travel to California for my cousin’s high school graduation and so he planned an in-person baby shower instead. I was so excited since we weren’t able to celebrate my first pregnancy in-person since it was during the pandemic.

We flew to California when I was 28 weeks, the start of my third trimester, and according to my doctors, the cutoff to fly to the mainland. The 5.5 hour flight was brutal. My lower back was in a lot of pain from sitting for that long, Zaccai stayed on my lap for the whole flight, and my feet swelled a lot. I had a lot on our itinerary since this was Zaccai’s first time traveling to California. I didn’t account for how much driving it would take to go everywhere which was uncomfortable for me. Zaccai also had a difficult time at night and would wake up and want to go home, so I didn’t get much sleep. One of the nights, I had bad Braxton Hicks and was crying. I realized I had to know where the closest hospital was wherever we were just in case.

After we did all of our sightseeing, we went to my in-laws house two days before the baby shower. I had chills, a fever, headache, and a runny nose. One of my biggest fears of having Covid while pregnant, came true. I consulted with my doctors’ office and a nurse prescribed me Paxlovid. I quarantined since I was the only one that tested positive and sadly the baby shower was cancelled.

The flight home was tough for me again. When we got back, I had frequent doctor’s appointments, due to having Covid, to do ultrasounds to monitor the amount of amniotic fluid and non-stress tests to monitor baby’s movements.

I also had to get checked for gestational diabetes. I failed the 1-hour glucose test, had to take the 3-hour glucose test, and failed again. I was so disappointed that I had gestational diabetes. The maternal fetal medicine doctor and diabetes educator assured me that it wasn’t because of anything I did or ate and that it was because of hormones made by my placenta. It felt like yet another thing on top of all the other hiccups I had in this pregnancy. It was hard not to compare my first pregnancy where everything went well. I had to take my blood sugar three times a day and log everything that I ate to send to my doctor. Luckily, it was diet-controlled and I didn’t need insulin.

One of the closest people in my life suddenly passed. I still haven’t processed it, so I don’t even know where to even begin.

I was physically and mentally drained. I had the normal discomfort of the third trimester, was working full-time, and didn’t have childcare because my in-laws got Covid, and my family went to the mainland in support of my family member that passed, so I had to bring my toddler to work with me. It was challenging to find time to get work done while finding things for him to do, making sure he ate enough for breakfast, lunch, and snacks, and could nap in my classroom.

While being an emotional wreck, we went to Oahu for an extended family event. I was 32 weeks pregnant, which was my doctors’ cutoff to fly inter-island. We tried to make the most of it by making our short trip into a mini-baby moon and spent the weekend in Waikiki.

Upon our return home to Maui, the Lahaina, upcountry, and Kihei fires happened. I can’t believe the devastating loss that people experienced.

As my pregnancy was coming to an end, despite all of the sorrow, I was determined to bring my baby into this world surrounded by happiness. I focused on nesting, had an amazing prenatal massage thanks to my friends, met with my doula, joined a prenatal village, had therapy sessions with my therapist that specializes in postpartum mood disorders, did prenatal yoga, had a prenatal chiropractic appointment, and attended a hāpai circle.

I’m so thankful that my Maui family, my dad, and some of my California family celebrated Zaccai’s 2nd birthday with us.

I truly appreciate my cousin-in-law and cousin for throwing me a baby shower after all.

And I checked off the one thing on my pregnancy bucket list — surfed pregnant! At 38 weeks!

We woke up at 4:00am to get ready for the first flight to Oahu. Kiana took the same flight, so Chris dropped us all off. And we spent time with her at the airport.

I had to insert the endometrin vaginally exactly 5 hours before the embryo transfer, so I had to do it in the airport bathroom. John was worried I was going to drop it on the floor. I didn’t.

Once we got our rent-a-car, we went to Morning Glass to get one of my favorite breakfasts and a decaf coffee.

And then stopped by the Manoa Safeway to get a 1L of water because I needed to have a full bladder for the embryo transfer.

I gave the front desk our Christmas card. It must be so cool to see pictures of IVF babies that were made in their clinic.

John got to wait with me in their lobby! Yay! We met a same-sex couple from Kauai that had their embryo transfer scheduled right after mine. We were drinking the same water and compared drugs stories. Cheers!

30 minutes before the embryo transfer, I had to take my doctor’s special cocktail that includes Valium, Benadryl, and some other stuff. I was supposed to feel it after 15 minutes but I didn’t.

It was time to go down to the Operating Floor. I was expecting the same funny poster of a test tube with babies swimming in it, but the nurse said my doctor recently had the colors of the walls changed and they got new artwork to match.

As I was waiting, I put on my Cozy Warrior socks that I wore last time for good luck and for a warm uterus. I was also wearing my Grandma’s 49ers hoodie and John’s shirt from our wedding venue. <3

My doctor came in, cleaned my vagina, and I told her last time she said to remind her 3 o’clock. She said she likes when patients remind her what she said. She did a mock transfer. I have a retroverted cervix so it was a little uncomfortable with her having to straighten out the speculum.

She told the lab people to tell the embryologist to put the catheter at 30 degrees. Then he brought in my thawed embryo! It’s so amazing that this embryo has been frozen for 2 years and is the same “age” as Zaccai!

She transferred my embryo into my uterus and said “From my lips to God’s ears…”

The nurse said the transfer went beautifully.

They told me to lay down for 15 minutes. Then they went next door to do the embryo transfer for my new Kauai friend. I was waiting for them to come back to tell me I could pee, but I couldn’t make it. As soon as 15 minutes hit, I put my bottoms back on and ran out and asked someone where the bathroom was. A guy in scrubs said “This is the operating room.” I said, “Cool. Where’s the bathroom?” Ridiculous.

We went to get McDonald’s french fries for the post-transfer good luck tradition. The cocktail finally started to kick in and I knocked out in the car. We went back to the airport and I didn’t need a wheelchair like I thought I might.

Lorie picked us up from the airport, I went to sleep, John and Zaccai went to get more good luck french fries.

And we ate pineapple to help the embryo stick.

Thank you Kiana for these beautiful peonies!

‘Twas the night before my embryo transfer, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse…

It’s 9:09pm and John and Zaccai are fast asleep.

I had this idea that my second round of IVF would be different. I wanted to have a large calendar posted for these two months and write down all my appointments and when to take medications and do injections. Instead, I had no idea when anything was and John had to tell me. I even forgot my meds a couple times. *face palm* For every injection, I planned to put on calming music, light a candle, set our intentions, blah blah. I definitely stabbed myself or had John stab me so quick as I had to rush to work after the whirlwind of getting ready every morning. I wanted to consistently blog throughout the process, but this is my first actual entry. I thought about doing acupuncture and the super strict anti-candida diet again, but I didn’t.

A great thing about this time around is that Zaccai was a huge part of my journey! I was unsure if I was ready to do this and when my medications arrived in the mail, I had a breakdown. But Zaccai was there to look at all the syringes and medications with me and he asked me to go outside to see the moon in the dark up in the sky when I was crying. We had a beautiful moment with him nestled into me as we looked at the moon still with tears running down my face. He also took part in the belly injections when he was awake early. He watched the injections happen, would look intently at my face, and would put his head on my belly and touch or massage the injection site afterwards on his own. The butt shots still suck. The steroids make me nauseous. What will be, will be.

I got sick recently — runny nose, sore throat, a fever for a day, tested negative (seems necessary to say), and I freaked out that the fever would cause the embryo transfer to not be successful and the embryo would die. Then when I felt better, I freaked out that the embryo transfer would be successful and pregnancy would be hard and the big ‘what if’ I have PPD/PPA again came to mind. Needless to say, it’s been an emotional/hormonal roller coaster. And I just need to chill.

This is not my best writing, but hey… tired mom, working full-time, doing IVF… if I gave 70% and all my 70%, I actually gave 100%. Thankful for the required antibiotics that are part of my protocol by the way. I feel better.

We will be going to get Zaccai’s sibling tomorrow! We’re coming for you, embaby! See you in T-minus 13 hours!

An ojichan (Japanese for grandpa) stopped his brisk walking to look at my baby, then at me. “How old is your baby?”, he asked. I replied, “3 weeks.” “That’s too young to take out your baby.”

Outloud I said, “The mall is almost going to open, so we’re going home soon.” On the inside, I wanted to tell him so much more. I wanted to tell him I was afraid of being home alone with my baby. I wanted to tell him this was my fifth day in a row of coming to Ala Moana way before it opened. I wanted to tell him walking in circles for 5 miles is the only way I knew how to make my baby sleep. I wanted to tell him that he confirmed I was doing it wrong. I wanted to tell him how unfair it was that he just got to meet my baby before my own grandma could.

Trying to conceive without success, going through fertility treatments, and finally IVF affected me more than I wanted to admit. I tried to have a positive attitude and focus on being grateful. In all honesty, those years were frustrating at the least and heartbreaking at the most. After being on the receiving end of frequent disappointment, I was constantly anticipating bad news. To distract my mind, I researched everything I could about IVF. I watched videos and read articles. I was prepared for every step. No surprises.

Once I was finally pregnant, I treated it the same. I kept up with pregnancy apps, read books, and subscribed to email updates. But instead of feeling prepared, I worried about every next hurdle. I had a normal anatomy scan, but still thought something could be wrong with the baby. I got to full term, but worried about having a late miscarriage. Being unvaccinated, I was weary about getting Covid. At the end of my pregnancy, I was stressed my placenta possibly wasn’t nourishing my baby since the growth had slowed. I was nervous about getting induced. Unlike IVF, everything about pregnancy came as a surprise.

As far as childbirth goes, nothing could have prepared me for how my world turned upside down overnight. I wish I could accurately depict what it physically felt like after having my baby, but one thing I can say is that since I lost a lot of blood during delivery, I had packs of gauze in my vagina for 24 hours to stop the bleeding. Maybe that small description is enough to give a peek into what I was experiencing.

On night 2 in the hospital, I learned about cluster feeding. My baby wanted to be fed basically every 10 minutes. I was tired, my nipples raw. I used the hospital phone to call a nurse because there had to be something wrong. As it turns out, babies do this so your milk starts coming in. Supply and demand.

I read about the “baby blues” in a hospital pamphlet. As I was waiting for John to bring the car around for us to take our baby home from the hospital, with tears in my eyes, I thanked the nurse for taking care of us and told her I wished she was coming home with us too. She told John to watch me. She was right to have warned him.

I cried right when we got home. I thought these were baby blues tears that would be short-lived. But every day got worse. All of my worry turned into anxiety as anyone could have predicted. Except for me.

I constantly Googled in attempt to make up for how lost and incompetent I felt. I frequently reached out to my mom friends to get their advice. I was trying to learn as much as I could about breastfeeding and newborn sleep. And in the process, I developed insomnia.

Every evening, as soon as the sun started to set, I would feel an overwhelming sense of dread. Sleep deprivation is debilitating. I was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I was wired awake in the middle of the night, afraid of my baby’s swaddle covering his face, afraid of falling asleep and dropping him while breastfeeding. When he was sleeping, I would squeeze my eyes shut forcing myself to hurry and sleep before he was hungry again, only to wake up in what seemed like no time because when I looked at the clock, that’s what it was.

At my 2 week postpartum appointment, I filled out a survey to be screened for postpartum depression. I scored normal. I told my doctor I thought I had anxiety and insomnia. I asked if there was medication I could take. She said I just needed to calm my mind and get to know my baby.

Remember cluster feeding? A couple weeks later, another night of cluster feeding came and I finally broke. I was pacing. My heart was beating fast and loud. I couldn’t breathe. I had racing thoughts. I felt like I couldn’t do this anymore. I was having a panic attack.

I called the ER and they told me not to come in because they had a lot of Covid positive patients. They paged my doctor instead. I told her what I was experiencing and that I desperately needed help. She said, “If you are hospitalized, you won’t be able to take care of your baby. I’ll have to medicate you. My hands will be tied. Something has got to change. You are not going to survive. How are you going to make it to next week? How are you going to make it to tomorrow?”

Per her recommendation, I popped a Benadryl and took a catnap. I packed up as much of my baby’s stuff into four suitcases. The three of us got on a plane to Maui and we never went back.

It sounds dramatic, but it’s not easy to convey how intense my postpartum anxiety was. It was dark and scary and going through it was more difficult than anything I have ever experienced. There was a point when I told John he would be better off taking care of our baby without me. I also told him our baby would be better off adopted by a mom that could take care of him as he deserved. Anxiety has a way of filling your head with irrational thoughts.

With the help of my husband, our families, our friends, four therapists, balanced out hormones, and anti-depressants, I’m here to tell you that I’m on the other side of postpartum anxiety and I’m happy to be here. If someone sees that ojichan at the mall, please tell him too.

Everyone tells you that your birthing experience will be nothing like your birth plan. So early on in my pregnancy, I told myself that my birth plan would be simple, “#1 Give birth.” As much as I thought I was going into it without any expectations of course in the back of my mind, like many first timers, I wanted to have a vaginal birth and try to do it without an epidural. I’m not sure why we put that pressure on us for this to be the ideal birth experience, but here I was.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had to get additional ultrasounds at the Fetal Diagnostic Center so a Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) doctor could check on baby’s weight and measurements because my fundal height was measuring on the smaller side. I also had to do Non-Stress Tests to monitor baby’s movement and heart rate.

At 38 weeks, the MFM doctor recommended that I get induced at 39 weeks because baby wasn’t growing as much as they should be. She said in case the placenta isn’t nourishing the baby, to be safe, getting induced and giving birth early will ensure that baby will get nourished from outside of the womb. My OBGYN agreed with this recommendation and I was officially scheduled for my Induction Day on Tuesday, 7/27/21.

I was very nervous about getting induced and felt disappointed that I wouldn’t get to try to have an unmedicated birth since it was going to be medicated from the start. But I had to keep in mind that my OB said the goal is “healthy baby and healthy mom” and inducing earlier would be getting ahead of any complications that might happen if we waited until I was 40 weeks.

A silver lining of getting induced was that it was planned. I always wanted my auntie to be in the delivery room when I gave birth and with the pandemic, this wouldn’t have been possible if I had a spontaneous birth. Because we had a date set, my auntie and uncle planned to fly to Oahu from Maui, quarantine in a hotel, and get tested so my auntie would be able to be my second support person and my uncle could meet the baby before they fly home.

John and I spent my last week of pregnancy going to the beach, taking photos, getting take out, and spending time together just the two of us.

I also had to get tested for Covid-19 beforehand. The nasal swab is never fun, but I’m glad I was negative.

To get my mind off the induction, I started sewing the baby quilt that I planned to make out of t-shirts and fabrics that our families sent us to represent each of them. I wanted to have it done before I gave birth and had put it off for so long, but I’m glad I procrastinated because it was such a welcomed distraction and a good way for me to stay busy for the final two days of my pregnancy.

The Tuesday that we were waiting for was finally upon us. I was told it was scheduled for 5:00am, but luckily that was a mistake and it was actually scheduled for 5:00pm. That meant John and I had an unexpected full day to enjoy together. We went to the beach and did my 39 Weeks bumpdate dance with a cameo of the soon-to-be dad to the Baby Mama Dance song. We got kalua pig nachos for take out and went to the store to buy coconut water to keep me hydrated during labor and delivery. While buying water, we saw a stuff hammerhead shark and it was perfect for baby since we saw a hammerhead shark pup when we went swimming when I was 36 weeks pregnant. I finished sewing the baby quilt just in time, we took showers, packed up, and left for the hospital. I ate a Zippy’s mochiko chicken plate in the car on the way there because I knew I wouldn’t be able to eat once I got induced.

We checked in at 5:00pm, I got my room, changed into a hospital gown and the Boy? or Girl? socks from John’s mom, danced around, looked up gender prediction superstitions, and took photos while waiting.

The nurses hooked me up to monitor baby’s movement and heart rate and my contractions. My OB came in and planned to start the induction by putting me on Cervidil, a medication that is inserted into the vagina like a tampon to soften the cervix. However, I was having frequent contractions at every 5 minutes, so I was not able to go on this. I didn’t feel any of the contractions and was only 1cm dilated. We went on to the next induction step and she inserted a foley bulb, (it’s almost like a balloon) into my cervix for hours to mechanically open the cervix until it falls out. She had a hard time putting it in so it was very uncomfortable and I had some bleeding, but she and the nurse were surprised that I was able to talk through it. I got it put in at 7:30pm and it was supposed to stay in for 4-6 hours. The pressure in my cervix was a lot! I couldn’t sleep because I was tensing up from how uncomfortable it was and I didn’t want it to fall out early and have to be painfully re-inserted. As I was tensing up my body, I had terrible cramping in my legs. After having my cervix checked multiple times, the nurse finally pulled it out after 8 hours! I made progress and was dilated 4-5cm at that point. I was only able to sleep for one hour.

At 4:00am, I was put on Pitocin. This is meds to make the contractions stronger and closer together. It is administered through an IV and the nurses are able to control how much of it to put in at a time. I was able to sleep one more hour in the beginning of this since they started me off slow.

At 7:30am, my OB came back and broke my water with a long plastic hook. The contractions were supposed to intensify by then and they did because I started to actually feel them. My OB predicted I would give birth in the afternoon or evening. I was so tired at that point from being up for so long, but wasn’t able to sleep. I had a blood pressure cuff on my arm that consistently checked my blood pressure every 30 minutes, so as soon as I started to doze off, it would wake me up. I drank broth, ate jello, and drank the coconut water to stay hydrated. As the contractions grew stronger, the same feeling of tensing up my legs came with every contraction. The pain in my outer quads of my legs felt like a burning sensation with every leg cramp. One of the nurses said it’s interesting how contractions can be experienced and that some women experience it throughout their whole body, but in my case, it was just my legs. John tried to massage my legs with his hands and with a tennis ball, but it didn’t help. The nurses gave me heat packs to put on my legs and that didn’t help either.

My auntie was on standby until the labor progressed more. She arrived at the hospital and as soon as she walked in the room, I burst into tears. Tears because I was happy she was there and because I was in so much pain. The nurse asked me if I wanted to go on fentanyl or I could get the epidural to relieve the pain. She said the fentanyl would be temporary relief for one hour and it depends how I react to narcotics and I could decide after that if I wanted the epidural, but to note that there may be a wait for the anesthesiologist if he is with other patients. As I was going back and forth to decide, every time I had a big contraction, baby’s heart rate would decline. The OB told the nurse to have me switch my lying down position from left to right, back and forth, every 15 minutes to try to keep the baby active. My auntie tried talking to the baby and that helped, baby was active! The nurses were monitoring me very closely.

I decided to get the epidural. It must have only been a 10 minute wait, but it felt like a lifetime. John and my auntie couldn’t be in the room for this and my nurse told me I could hold her hands and squeeze them as hard as I needed to. I definitely needed her there because the contractions were still coming. The anesthesiologist asked if I was nervous and I said yes and he said he was too because this was his first epidural. Funny, but not funny at the time! I actually heard about this anesthesiologist because he comes in with his cart and a portable speaker playing loud music, then he switches the music to spa music, massages the patient’s back, administers an injection to numb the area, and puts in the epidural. And that is the experience I had. The numbing shot stung a lot and when he started putting in the epidural, I could feel it. So he had to give me a second numbing shot. I could feel something dripping down my back and saw that it was blood when he wiped it off. I focused on staring at the nurse’s perfect ID photo.

The epidural started to kick in and my legs relaxed! It was such a relief and I wished I got it earlier. Then I could slightly feel the contractions in my uterus. Once I was relaxed, I was quickly dilated to 9.5cm! I told the nurse that I took a birthing class and learned how to breathe but didn’t learn how to push. The nurse told me that my OB was delivering another baby, so we could practice pushing before she would come to my room. And she reminded John that he would be the person announcing the sex of the baby when he/she comes out. She said there is going to be a pause and if everyone looks at him, that’s what we’re all waiting for. I asked if I could push the epidural button one more time and for a mirror to see. The nurse held my left leg and John held my right and I did my first practice set of 3 pushes. The nurse kept giving John a signal while coaching me through this. Once I finished that set, she asked him if he saw the baby’s head, but he was so focused on me that he didn’t see her signal. She instructed me to do another practice set of pushing. I asked if I could turn sideways this time and so I did and we all saw the top of the baby’s head. She told me we needed to wait for my OB now.

My OB arrived after a very short time. She told me to push and hold my breath. My auntie was in front of me cheering me on, “Good job, Bianca! Good job!” and clapping. In 4 more sets of 3 pushes each, in less than 29 minutes total, baby’s head emerged. My OB saw that the umbilical cord was tightly wrapped around the baby’s neck. She looked at John and said, “I’m sorry, I have to cut it.”, quickly cut it (but saved some for John to cut afterwards) and my baby arrived with loud cries! After all this time not knowing his sex, John announced, “It’s a boy!” Truly, there is nothing in the world like that moment when he was on my chest for the first time. 

I learned I had a 101 degree fever, so I had John do skin-to-skin instead of me. I had antibiotics put in my IV because of a possible infection and the fever. I lost 500cc of blood, so the nurse gave me a shot of hemabate in my thigh to treat severe bleeding and to prevent me from needing to have a blood transfusion. The nurse said it causes nausea and diarrhea and I told her that I don’t do well with nausea. She gave me anti-nausea meds. My OB was pushing on my belly to help the placenta be delivered and as a fundal massage.

She said I had a very superficial tear, she stitched it up, and said that it will heal by my next appointment. She then found that I had an internal cervical tear and had to stitch that as well. She inserted a vaginal pack of a lot of gauze to stop the bleeding that needed to stay in over night. The nurse gave me anti-diarrheal meds a little later and because I didn’t get this right away, I had uncontrollable diarrhea four times because the second epidural button push was still kicking in. I was relieved that I didn’t poop while pushing like many women are horrified by, but this experience was way more embarrassing than that.

While all of this was happening to me, I watched John and our baby immediately bond through skin-to-skin.

And my auntie FaceTimed my family and John’s family to introduce them to our baby boy. The nurses took baby’s weight 5lbs 13oz, length 19.5″, vitals, gave him Vitamin K, the eyedrops, and the Hep B shot.

Then I was able to do skin-to-skin. He immediately started rooting and found my nipple on his own. I couldn’t believe it.

Two nights in the hospital were filled with skilled mother/baby nurses taking great care of us, being well fed with ono local dishes and desserts and a celebratory dinner, sessions with a lactation consultant, and check-ins by my incredible OB and our new pediatrician, and us finally deciding to name our baby Zaccai.

After a long journey of trying to get pregnant for two years, two failed IUIs, IVF, 39 weeks of pregnancy, 26 hours of labor, and about 29 minutes of delivery, we had our baby. Our lives are forever changed as we are now a family of three.

I’m so thankful for the support I have from my auntie/godmother throughout my life, but especially through this journey to motherhood. It was so meaningful to have her there for the birth of Zaccai.

Second Trimester

As people say, the second trimester is the golden period of pregnancy. The nausea went away and life was almost normal! The most exciting part of the second trimester was at 14 weeks when I felt baby fluttering, also known as quickening. I didn’t expect to feel this so early and was so surprised when it happened. The next time I felt baby move was at 17 weeks and it was more of a tiny poke. John felt baby move at 20 weeks at night when I was lying down and he put his hand on my belly. I’ll never forget that moment.

Other highlights of the second trimester…
– My energy came back, so I was able to start doing barre again and did it 5-6x per week.
– At 16 weeks, I started wearing maternity pants for work which were way more comfortable than the rubber band trick for regular jeans and I got a pregnancy pillow.
– We celebrated one of my favorite days of the year, May Day, by making leis on the beach. I loved my first open-ended lei. It was like wearing a pregnancy badge of honor.
– We went on hikes (including a hike on Mother’s Day), went swimming, and John got me an inflatable standup paddle board for my birthday!
– At the 20 week anatomy scan, baby was right on track and looked great.
– At week 24, I passed the one-hour glucose screening test and the fetal echocardiogram was perfect, the doctor said “Baby’s heart looks marvelous!”
– We visited the sunflower fields on the last day of the second trimester.

Third Trimester

The third trimester baby grew more and more!
– Baby’s kicks were so hard and so frequent. And the kicks were always on my right side and in my rib. Sleeping was uncomfortable, but aside from that I didn’t have any complaints.
– I stayed active during this final trimester by continuing to do barre multiple times per week with lots of squats to prepare for birth.
– We went to the beach often and ate all the take out foods we craved.
– I was happy that I didn’t get any stretch marks and my feet stayed the same size.
– We celebrated John on Father’s Day. I bought him an ice cream maker! He made his favorite mint chocolate chip ice cream.
– We found a great pediatrician for baby.
– We had a maternity photoshoot and loved how our photos came out. They will be memories to hold onto for a lifetime.
– We are so thankful to have had 4 virtual baby showers with our families, friends, and coworkers. We’re so lucky.

4 Weeks
We went to the beach. John took a picture of my belly and asked if I’m showing. He’s lucky I’m confident in how I look right now. 😒 I’ve been eating so healthily to prep for IVF and I was working out/running almost every day, so I know I’m not showing yet. Rude. He also took a video of me happy dancing around the beach. I decided I’m going to do a happy dance every week to celebrate each week of pregnancy. I downloaded a few baby apps. I love reading week specific information and other articles about baby milestones, changing body, pregnancy, and crazy things that I’ve never heard of before. This week, baby is the size of a poppy seed! I had to get a third blood test. I was pretty nervous about it, but I assume I’ll be nervous about every appointment that I’ll have forever and ever moving forward.

5 Weeks
My blood test results came back great! The baby is growing and my hCG level is at a great level. My nurse said if she didn’t know we transferred one embryo, she would have guessed we’re having twins by how high my hCG is. We have a very strong baby! No notable symptoms yet except an increase in discharge. This was happening last week during the implantation and attachment phase too.

6 Weeks
I’ve been taking stool softeners daily because I was afraid of pooping out my embryo. I read that Chinese medicine says warm feet = warm womb, so I’ve been wearing socks every single day since my embryo transfer even though it’s pretty hot here in Hawaii right now. I’m still more anxious than excited about being pregnant. For the first time, my butt shot went wrong once this week. The progesterone is in sesame oil, so that’s why it needs to be injected with such a long, thick needle. I’ve had so many butt shots already that the medicine and oil is starting to collect and crystalize in my butt muscles. When John tried to push the syringe plunger in, the medicine wouldn’t go in, so he had to do the shot all over again. I know the progesterone is so good for the baby, but I can’t wait until I can be done with these shots.

7 Weeks
This week I’ve been sooo nauseous. It sucks! And I don’t think it should be called morning sickness because it happens whenever it feels like it. I get nauseous when I sleep too late, when I have an empty stomach, when I eat too much, etc. And I’ve been so hangry. I thought I knew what hangry felt like, but this is real. If I don’t have food right when I’m hungry, I feel like I’m going to faint. John has experienced me dramatically yelling that I’m going to die. One time, we were stuck in traffic on the freeway and I got so hangry, he reversed all the way to the freeway exit and off the freeway! I keep crackers next to the bed, so I can stuff my face whenever I feel the nausea coming on. I tried a bunch of different nausea remedies – ginger candy, ginger ale, ginger tea, preggie pops, nausea bands for going on boats, etc., but nothing works. My joints are also very weak! My right wrist got swollen over night and it feels like I have carpal tunnel when I write with it or type at work. My left wrist also hurts but not as much. I got a cheap brace from Longs that I alternate wearing. My ankles kinda hurt too. My boobs are tender and I can tell that they are already growing. My lips have been super dry and cracked. I easily get light headed, dizzy, and have headaches when I get up too fast. I’ve heard of other people feeling sick when they smell certain things, but I haven’t heard of anyone saying their shampoo and detergent smells bad like me. I’ve also been very sleepy. I have a hard time keeping my eyes open sometimes at work. Lastly, I have lots and lots of boogers.

8 Weeks
It’s winter break! Perfect timing with how nauseous, hungry, and fatigued I’ve been feeling. I started eating more small meals throughout the day and I think it’s helping a tiny bit with the nausea. I got cramps this week and one time I had a sweating episode. John had to take 10 days off because he didn’t use any vacation time this year since Covid and it’s use it or lose it. It’s nice that we can spend time together, but we’re just staying at home since the positivity rate went up to 4.5%, so it’s not safe to be out and about. We have to be extra careful, especially for the baby. Quarantine Christmas actually turned out really nice. We had Zoom Christmas calls with John’s mom’s family in the Philippines, John’s dad’s side in California, and my family. Our families and friends mailed us Christmas cards and gifts! And my auntie and uncle sent us a pregnancy present with our Christmas present.

9 Weeks
I don’t have a bump yet, but I can feel my round ligaments stretching a lot now. I thought the nausea was getting better, but I spoke too soon. John’s cousin got me the book Like a Mother, A Feminist Journey Through the Science and Culture of Pregnancy by a Filipina author, Angela Garbes. I finished reading it and I learned a lot. This week is exciting because I get to start to taper off on the progesterone shot dosage by half. I recently started bruising at the injection sites and have hard marble sized bumps from the crystallization. I also am done taking daily estrogen pills. It feels good to be on less drugs. I had another boobs growth spurt. To say goodbye to 2020, we watched the last sunset of the year. And to celebrate the New Year, we watched the Waipahu fireworks at midnight while pulled over on the side of the freeway with my crackers for nausea.

10 Weeks
I’ve been having lots more discharge this week and I started having to pee frequently. My areolas are also changing. They’re getting bigger and darker. I know it’s normal, but it’s weird. My ligaments keep continuing to stretch out. Yeah yeah, I’m supposed to gain weight during pregnancy, but that doesn’t mean anyone enjoys gaining weight. I lost 20lbs while on my strict IVF diet. I didn’t plan to lose weight, but it was such a great silver lining of the difficult process I went through. I’m sad that it was so short lived.

11 Weeks
Things are looking up! I keep hearing that the first trimester is not fun and that the second trimester is the golden period of pregnancy. I don’t feel as nauseous and tired this week! And after my late night Zoom call with my friends, I woke up feeling fine!

12 Weeks
I took my final progesterone pill and MY LAST BUTT SHOT! My total injection numbers are 52 stomach shots and 70 butt shots. People have been asking if I’m going to have a gender reveal (virtual) party, but I’d rather have a party to celebrate my last butt shot! I don’t feel nauseous anymore and I have my energy back. Let’s party!!! I had an appointment at the Fetal Diagnostic Center for an ultrasound. They did the nuchal translucency test, took measurements of the baby and baby’s heartbeat, and baby had their first 3D ultrasound. Everything looked great!

I also had my first OBGYN appointment this week. I don’t know if I had high expectations because I’m so used to the amazing care and monitoring at my fertility clinic, but I did not have a good experience and I’m switching providers. The one nice thing I can say is that their office has nice wallpaper.

We graduated from our fertility clinic at 9 weeks 6 days pregnant! I’m going to miss my reproductive endocrinologist and her team of nurses so much. She said “Thank you for trusting us. I know it’s hard to go through IVF, especially being young and having to take this route to get pregnant. You did it all so beautifully.”

We had our confirming ultrasound and were so relieved baby has a heartbeat! ❤️

I told my doctor, “Omg! I’m pregnant!” 😅 Now we can stop worrying! Hah yeah right. 😑 I’ve been waiting for the moment when I feel excited about being pregnant to post about my feelings, but that excitement hasn’t come yet. It seems like everyone else is exponentially more excited than I am. Trying to get pregnant for exactly two years has taken a toll on me. I didn’t realize how heavy it actually is/was until now. I feel fear, anxiety, and first trimester nausea and almost zero excitement.

I recently read someone write that it doesn’t matter how excited you are – a little excited, mildly excited, super excited – if something goes wrong, the pain won’t be any less. That was like a slap in my face to wake up. I need to celebrate each small milestone as we reach them. I may only have the mental capacity to look hopefully forward to our next appointment and no further into the future, but I refuse to let anxiety steal my joy.

So today, I’m happy that I’m nauseous. It means I’m still pregnant. Today, I’m happy I have to do butt shot #43, even though I cried during butt shot #41. It means I’m still pregnant.